What's Going On with Me?!

Now I'm sitting in front of my laptop thinking of what I want to write here. It seems have been long time I didn't write something that explore more my thought about life. As what I have written in one of my postings here, I am aware that this site is not the best place to share anything about my life. 'Cause I have found that only Allah, my Rabb, The One whom I always trust to share my life with. However it doesn't mean that I can't write anything about my life here. The choice what I want to share here  about a little part of my life is depend on me. I still can bring topics related to Islam inspired from what I meet in my daily life and what is my thought so far about that. That is why I start to write again now about a part of my stories in this life.

Nowadays, actually I am not so busy with my activities coz I still have vacation and I will have a class again in the middle of this month. However I think I am so busy with my own thinking... O_o Yeah! In the last few days what was working on my mind made me just stared at something for so long without doing useful things. I tried to reading my books, but I lost my concentration, I read news via internet, but it did same as I read my book. I joined with my friends in my dormitory and had talking with them, but my mind was not really there. oh... What-happened-with-me???" or "What-is-going-on-with-me". These are questions that I always ask to myself whenever I feel there is something not so right with me. Did I make mistake or I didn't follow rightly Allah's rules in doing my deeds or in solving any problems I met?

I have to admit that these days I have wasted my time in such things that are not be priority in this life according to Islam. What I have done was not actually wrong, but it was not so right, I guess! No matter what happened, what is inside me shouts that I should have done anything well as I used to be. As I used to be? Hmmm... I just think that in the past time, in some moments ago, I was motivated enough to do deeds ordered by Allah. Then, nowadays.... it seems my strength, passion, patience, motivation fade away. Hence, all I want to do is get all of them back! Where is Aliyah who usually can be calm and keep optimist when any problems come? Where is me when in some moments I always try to choose what is more pleased in Allah than  in my own desire? The worry, guilty, grief, fidgety, and any not enjoying feeling have flooded me, feelings that I should easy to make them away when I was in the high faith in Allah. I should keep strong like a rock in the ocean when the stormy weather comes. In fact, lately I feel so week...  powerless! Oh ya Allah... Hope I can get my strength back to jump from this condition to the other better one. 

I feel better and get my motivation back when I can think clearly about how this life is, what should I do in this life as a muslim. Knowing that I was not forever in this life... Realizing that I am as human who is created in this world to worship Allah... and understanding that Allah will never give burden that I can't bear... make me be able to see a little light in my life. I  understand deeply that any second I have passed in this life, I will never get it back. Everything that I do during my life in this world will be asked responsibility by Allah in the hereafter. It  looks easy to spend seconds, minutes, days, months or years to do whatever I want... BUt it is not truly easy when I think that in the next life I will receive my book of deeds showing all what I do during my life. 

Alhamdulillah, as long as my faith in Allah is still inside me, I always can go back in the right thinking and feeling that lead me to keep walking in Allah's path. I get my motivation back to do what things in this world be priority to be done. I realize the essence of faith that it might up and down. One of  indications that I was in high faith is I can control my deeds according to Islam's rules, but when my faith is in low level, I might do deeds that is useless or even against Islam's rules. However Allah know best about how the condition of someone's faith. I just want to contemplate myself. What is going on with me...?! when it's not right according to Islam or Allah might not pleased with it, I should change it! I have to upgrade my faith! I should run to Allah! The fact of faith that it be able to decrease is not the reason for me to ignore it. I have the best model in this world, Rasulullah saw. He is the example of Allah's servant whose faith always increase. subhanallah... 

I really need great motivation to rise up my life. Then, only to Allah I ask the the motivation that come from my faith in Him. I also ask the protection from Him to  help me keep my motivation... motivation that will make me get up and start again from now to do what Allah orders and leave what Allah forbids... before it's too late and there is no chance for me to repair my deeds.

Ya Allah... only You who know best what is really going on with me. Let me back to You and obey any single word You order me. Guide me to choose what is the best in You. ameen...